By Sunday's end, I sat in silence as disgusted with myself as I've ever been. I've learned through this entire poker experiment that if one thing will burn me in poker, it's not keeping my emotions in check while playing a game that tirelessly tries to light me on fire. Three days of fluky bad beats finally got to me. The worst beat was the crazy Friday Night Fight hand (Full Tilt's $500 tournament) where I lost an AA vs JJ vs Q9 for a triple up with approximately 20 to go in the tournament. I was certainly running below expectation early on Sunday, and my emotions soon got the best of me. By reading through the hand histories at the end of the day (a process by which I review my play), I was looking at an entire different player. It wasn't the player I am or want to be. I was uncharacteristically building big pots against my instincts, gambling in situations where I shouldn't, and by the end of the day, not playing up to my full potential. I can't say how many times I made mistakes, but I wasn't acting like a professional. Being professional means playing through rough swings objectively, staying in the moment, and having a short memory of what just happened. Each new hand presents a new problem that should not carry the weight of any past occurrences. I certainly wasn't acting like it.
It may have been the other stresses of life seeping into my work. No one should ever let their work cross into their personal life or their personal life cross into their work. I was tense and stressed and that doesn't lead to anything positive. The takeaway from of all of this though is that you must "know thyself" in the game of poker. Being truly in tune with who you are as a person, as a player, and as a competitor are so essential to being successful. Being successful in poker doesn't always mean winning on any given day either. That's probably the most twisted thing about the game. Being successful means being professional despite what happens.
After thinking about what had happened, I did some yoga Monday morning to channel the emotions and worries of the past few days. Life has been stressing me out beyond belief and I came to peace with letting it all happen. I kept asking myself what really is the worst that can happen and is it that bad? (wise teacher once told me that) I responded tonight by playing in the moment and not letting the negative throw me into a tailspin. The beats today were just as bad as the days prior, but I played objectively until the last tournament was done. That anomaly that was my emotional unwinding on Sunday was temporarily conquered.
Every poker tournament has it's own life. I've learned that knowing thyself is a valuable skill in poker. It's a prerequisite to keeping an open mind, following the correct instincts, and being in the right position mentally to make correct decisions. The best players out there know who they are, know how to keep negatives at bay, and ultimately, know how to live in the moment.
